When you approach someone for the first time, are you finding yourself being critiqued, or are you providing unsolicited advice?
If you fall into the latter category, that’s a bad move, especially when directed at someone who’s had more lived experience in any aspect of life than you do and/or are suggesting they alter about themselves.
As a gay transgender man, I have experienced many a cisgender person, many a heterosexual person, many a work colleague, and many a newly transitioned person attempt to approach me with unsolicited advice.
Ha.
You see, when you do this, and someone has not asked for your advice, they are not seeking it. After all, if you are either not as experienced or not at all experienced in the topic being referred to, it comes across as agenda-driven, an attempt to control through changing, and not at all helpful, but something to clock as a red flag.
Now, no one wants to become known as an agenda-driven individual bent on changing others; I certainly don’t. You see, my activism in the media and in literature is based on empowering everyone to arrive at their most authentic selves, not in changing them into whatever my version of that is. I hope people won’t be transphobic or homophobic, but I can’t control everyone, and I do not seek to do so; I just speak on my thoughts and share them confidently with the world.
You cannot control a single person on this earth, except yourself. That said, before you open your mouth to tell someone to change something about themselves, consider: would you want to be directed by others to do something unsolicited?
No, the fuck you wouldn’t; no one would.
Once someone starts offering me unsolicited advice, I’ve instantly already written them off as someone who seeks to either maintain some form of surveillance and/or closeness, achieve influence and/or outright change and/or control something about me through manipulation — that’ll never happen.
I clear that agenda-driven energy because it’s unwelcome in my world.
I have experienced this with people in many of my big life moves I’ve made, attempting to throw me off of my life’s path by second-guessing the following courses I’ve taken to better my life:
- Moving across the country to put myself through college.
- Starting my own business.
- Coming out as transgender.
- Coming out as gay.
- Beginning my physical transition and starting hormone replacement therapy (HRT).
- Having my top surgery.
- Speaking openly and with confidence about my lived experience.
- Building a credible media presence as an activist and speaking my mind as a thought leader.
When people outside yourself have not pursued their own life goals and see you out there doing just that on a consistent, large scale, it gets under some people’s skin. These individuals, had I ever listened to any of them who told me not to pursue any of the above-referenced major important personal aspects of my life, would have kept me small in life, just as they kept themselves, because they decided to become stuck in the “what if” part of life and not seek the answer to it in the form of pursuing their own hopes, dreams, and happiness.
I do not live in the “what if” section of life; I exist very much in the “make shit happen” section; it’s far more productive.
I’ve failed, I’ve learned, I’ve grown, I’ve surpassed impressing myself time and time again, and that’s what life is all about: impressing your own damn self.
Once you’ve got that down, you’ll smile as people continue to provide unsolicited advice, knowing you’ll never take it, as you’ve already blazed your own trail and will continue on your path to do so, with the confidence in knowing you can do it and accomplish everything great thing you set out to do in life so long as you are determined and persistent enough to act upon it.
That’s where you will find your power, in the governing of self, not by the governing of others.
ABOUT DYLAN THOMAS COTTER:
Rebel with a cause, driven by authenticity, self-expression, and liberation for all.
Dylan Thomas Cotter is a strategist, public relations leader, and brand communications executive with more than fifteen years of experience at the intersection of entertainment, media, and technology.
Cotter is known for securing numerous Tier 1 (top-tier) and Tier 2 media placements across key markets including but not limited to GQ, Rolling Stone, Out Magazine, The Advocate, Pride, Inked Magazine, Real Simple, VICE, KTLA, Reader’s Digest, Mashable, Yahoo! News, Yahoo! Life UK, Newsweek, Men’s Health, Parade Magazine, Betches, U.S. News & World Report, Women’s Health Magazine, NursingColleges.com, Women.com, South China Morning Post, Truthout, MIC, The Manual, Curl Magazine, International Business Times UK, TechRound, GB News, The Irish Star US, The Mirror, MSN and AOL.
Cotter is an advisor to founders, artists, and executives on brand positioning, reputation, corporate social responsibility, and strategic communications. As an openly gay transgender professional, Dylan Thomas Cotter is committed to fostering inclusive, respectful, and affirming work environments.
His latest book, THINK LIKE A TRANSGENDER THOUGHT LEADER, is out now, and his memoir, TRANSGENDER & TRIGGERING THE LIFE OF DYLAN THOMAS COTTER, is available now at Barnes & Noble, Harvard Book Store, Book Soup, and Skylight Books, amongst other fine retailers, and is distributed worldwide through IngramSpark.