If there’s one thing I’ve experienced as a gay transgender man that I did not anticipate, it’s the overt physical invasiveness of many cisgender gay men.
Ew.
Consider this: I always presented masculine; that said, for 32 years of my life before transitioning, I had a pretty good balance of most men just leaving me the fuck alone.
That was nice.
Once I transitioned, it all changed, and one thing that remained consistent that I noticed was that a large number of cisgender gay men in Hollywood do not keep their hands to themselves.
And you all need to be called out for it.
It’s fucking inappropriate.
I Always Knew I’d Be an Attractive Man, But This is Ridiculous
Since transitioning, I have had four separate people grab and kiss me in bars. Four sexual assaults. Two men and two women, and that’s why I don’t go to bars anymore, in addition to the fact that I grew up with an alcoholic and previously dated one as well, so it’s just not my crowd of people and nothing about those environments is relaxing or fun for someone like me.
At bars and clubs, I’ve always experienced the worst of society, but I did feel safer doing so before I transitioned. As a gay transgender man I don’t feel safe at gay bars or with groups of drunk cisgender gay men.
So because I have CPTSD, a lot of the time I will avoid people, places, and things that make me uncomfortable, and nothing is more uncomfortable to me than being sexually assaulted and feeling trapped. So because that’s happened to me four times at bars, I hate those environments, and you won’t find me there.
That said, nearly 80 percent of social interactions I have experienced with cisgender gay men since transitioning, in everything from bars to parties to award shows, I’ve noticed one glaringly obvious fact: that the expectation of comfortability with physical interaction is frequently assumed and often physical contact lingers in a bluntly put, creepy-as-hell manner, that is highly disrespectful of both personal space and personal relationships.
You see, the only man I want to interact with physically is my own.
I do not want to hug people I’m not close with; I certainly do not want them putting their hands anywhere near me or my partner — which, let’s talk about it, if we were a straight couple, they’d never do, and that goes for men and women alike.
Just because there is a gay man in front of you doesn’t mean that he is up for your consumption or consenting to any physical contact. And just because a gay couple is in front of you isn’t your invitation to physically interact with either one of us or take jabs at our relationship for sport because you don’t have one of your own.
I can’t tell you how many times cisgender gay men have pulled the “can I give you a hug” or “can I get a hug,” and it’s all for the same reason: they’re trying to assert proximity to appease their weird desire for physical contact from people who are not their partners. I don’t seek to be around that level of desperation and disrespect of personal boundaries.
Physical Consent Isn’t What You’re Entitled to Because I Am Also Gay
One of the grossest things to me is when I have to verbalize something that should already be clear: just because I appeared in your physical world for a singular moment does not mean I wish to be touched.
Just because I said something nice in conversation doesn’t mean I want to be grabbed and kissed. That is sexual assault.
Me saying something kind, is just that me saying something kind because I am a polite person. It is counterproductive to my inclusion in society when cisgender gay men can’t understand this basic concept: some of us are polite because we have manners, not because we’re interested in physical interaction.
Sadly, I thought I’d actually be safer in gay spaces than straight ones, and to realize I never will be because the patriarchy runs rampant in gay male culture where people feel so entitled not to respect physical and relationship boundaries, that’s been a huge disappointment.
Perhaps at some point in my lifetime I may step into a space with a lot of cisgender gay men and AMAB people, may not have to be concerned about this. Still, for now, I do have concern because when people drink, they cross physical boundaries personally and professionally. When cisgender men drink and they are gay, I have no desire to be around that because I know what I’ve lived through, and frankly I’m not impressed.
I am equally as not impressed with cis-het women who behave in this way with gay men as well. Just because we are gay does not mean you have the right to touch us. That is sexual assault. If you can respect straight couples you can also respect the boundaries of gay couples equally and keep your hands to yourselves.
I feel the safest in spaces where people keep their hands to themselves and mind their own business. If I ever find a gay space like that, I’ll be the first to let the world know.
In Closing
It is a disappointment to be a man because no matter whether you are straight or gay, I, as a transgender man, have to always be on alert about what other men will do even more so now.
So if we ever met, know this, I prefer to say hello and wave, that’s right we never have to touch (I prefer that!) as I prefer not to have my personal space encroached upon, and not have myself and/or my partner physically touched because these are things that, if people acknowledged and respected consent and gay relationships as equal to that of heterosexual relationships, would just be a given in both personal and professional settings.
Keep your hands to yourselves, weirdos.
ABOUT DYLAN THOMAS COTTER:
Rebel with a cause, driven by authenticity, self-expression, and liberation for all.
Rev. Dylan Thomas Cotter is a strategist, public relations leader, and brand communications executive with more than fifteen years of experience at the intersection of entertainment, media, and technology.
Cotter is known for securing numerous Tier 1 (top-tier) and Tier 2 media placements across key markets including but not limited to:
The Associated Press, Fortune, Playboy, GQ, Rolling Stone, ABC News, Out Magazine, The Advocate, Pride, Inked Magazine, Real Simple, VICE, KTLA, Reader’s Digest, Mashable, Yahoo! News, Yahoo! Life UK, Newsweek, Men’s Health, Parade Magazine, Betches, U.S. News & World Report, Women’s Health Magazine, Women.com, South China Morning Post, Truthout, MIC, The Manual, Curl Magazine, International BusinessTimes UK, TechRound, GB News, The Irish Star US, The Mirror US, Daily Express U.S., MSN, AOL, UNILAD, Morning Honey, News9Live, Business Times, ClickOrlando, News4JAX, East Bay Times, Newsday, Midland Reporter-Telegram, El Paso Inc., SRN News, WRAL, Marietta Daily Journal, Yahoo, YourValley, Henry Herald, Times Union, TheIndependent, INkl, Netscape, WSB Radio, Taylorville Daily News, The Seattle Times, FOX Illinois, The Gazette, Stamford Advocate, New Haven Register, CT Post, Lakeland Today, SFGATE, WSLS 10, NC News Online, Courier News, Delco Times, The Republic, StarBeacon, Daily Journal, Temple Daily Telegram, The Toronto Star, WJTV, Winnipeg FreePress, KFOR, TribLIVE, The Hour, KTAR, WTOP, Daily Press, MyStateline, SeattlePI, NewsChannel 20, The Mercury News, Oskaloosa Herald, The Korea Times, MyNorthwest, Greenfield Reporter, Antigo Journal, Voice of Alexandria, Union-Bulletin, Gwinnett Daily Post, WBAL, WVNews, YourSourceOne, WINK News, Mankato Free Press, Audacy, Goshen News, KRQE, HNG News, CBS 17, FOX 40, KSNT, Western SlopeNow, FOX 44 News, KDVR, News 13, WGN Radio, NVDaily, MyMotherLode.com, The Hamilton Spectator, Daily News-Record, The Washington Times, KTVO, DailyIndependent, WFMJ, Fine Day Radio, WSB-TV, Local 10, Messenger-Inquirer, Click2Houston, The News-Item, KSAT, OA Online, KIRO 7, The Sun Chronicle, KARK, RiverBender, Laredo Morning Times, San Francisco Chronicle, The News-Times, CTInsider, Beaumont Enterprise, Manistee News Advocate, The Telegraph, Michigan’s Thumb, Chron, KHQA, The Intelligencer, EverythingLubbock, The Virginian-Pilot, MyPlainview, Your Conroe News, GMToday, WFMZ, SSBCrack News, Wenatchee World, News 10, Emirates 24/7, VIN News, Hartford Courant, Philippine Daily Inquirer, Silicon Valley, Ground News, Japan Today, The Washington Post, Boston 25 News, Butler Eagle, Livingston Enterprise, Ottumwa Courier, Dayton Daily News, LimaOhio, Guard Online, 990 The Answer, Indianapolis Business Journal, PHL17, ABC27, EDGE Media Network, Telemundo Nebraska, The Columbian, 1010 WINS, WPHT, KY W Newsradio, WB C O Radio, WBBM Newsradio, KMOX, WWJ Newsradio, KNX News 97.1 FM, WTIC, WWL, KMBZ, WILK Newsradio, WBEN, Talk 1370, WPXI, Times Leader, ABC4
His latest books, Dear Cisgender Reader Walk Beside Me: An Invitation to Understanding My Big, Exciting Gay Transgender Life and Think Like a Transgender Thought Leader, are out now.