- It’s the family members who knew you were going through a major life transition and acted as if you died because they would rather you did.
- It’s the family members who knew you were going through a major life transition and attempted to come back as if they didn’t ignore you for over a decade.
- It’s the family members who know you are trans and who try to justify ever being a Trump supporter to you.
- It’s the family members who know you had to go into sex work and only reach out because they saw you talk about it in VICE.
- It’s the coworkers who know you’re trans and make “jokes” about your identity.
- It’s the department manager who knows you’re trans and makes “jokes” about your identity.
- It’s the HR manager who knows about all the blatant anti-trans work treatment by their “team” of “good people” that does nothing but uphold and defend the behavior.
- It’s the companies that have to pay you out a settlement with an NDA for fear of being sued for wrongful discriminatory termination.
- It’s the “friends” who tokenize you in an attempt to gain access to your life and appear as if they are an ally when, in fact, they are not.
- It’s the “friends” who introduce you as a “trans-influencer” in an attempt to position themselves along with your activism for your community. At the same time, they actually do nothing to support your advocacy endeavors.
- It’s the systemic issue of navigating the Department of Social Services, only to be laughed at by a social worker when discussing your legal name and gender change documentation.
- It’s the systemic issue of having the California Department of Health’s civil rights department not acknowledge that it does not properly train its social workers to be respectful of people who hold your trans identity.
- It’s idiots who “joke” that you should “dress up as a woman” to get through airport security when you’re expressing concern that you may be unlawfully taken by ICE when traveling in airports.
- It’s when you go to see your doctor and are asked if you are depressed, only then having to explain how you healed your depression by transitioning, only to face ongoing oppression while seeking employment, only to be sent a nearly $500 bill later on after you were placed on a sliding scale that should be $10 per visit.
- It’s volunteering your time for the trans community to then not be supported by it.
- It’s having coworkers who are not welcoming.
- It’s worrying that you might not be able to rent a place to live based on your identity.
- It’s having your partner’s family not be welcoming.
- It’s the countless instances of cisgender men and women attempting to speak about genitalia to you unprovoked, which is highly disgusting and rude.
- It’s constantly having to go to the bathroom multiple times before leaving the house, to avert the possibility of having to use a public restroom because your identity has been politicized so highly that you don’t even feel comfortable taking a piss anywhere other than your own home.
- It’s worrying that if one day you ever do get to use your passport finally, you may be taken away unjustly by ICE at an airport.
- It’s the creepy men who ask you for hugs when they find out you are trans because they are perverse and want to feel your body.
- It’s the people who will not address you by name, in person, or over email, because they do not respect your identity.
- It’s the reduced life expectancy that no one respects enough to let you live it in peace while you are alive.
- It’s the people who think that because you are trans and/or gay, you must be sexually attracted to them and be devoid of having your own preferences and tastes.
- It’s the wealthy disconnected LGBT people that raise money for the LGBT clinic you go to because you are gay, trans, and low income, inviting non-LGBT people to go there for services too, when the system is functioning at a high capacity already for the community’s most vulnerable.
- It’s volunteering with your community, only to be expected to be more giving of your time and energy when not one person asks, hey Dylan, how are you? What is your biggest, most immediate need and/or goal? And how can I help you?
- It’s the having to teach basic common sense and basic human decency because people think that, due to your identity, they can dictate your human and civil rights, as they think those who hold your identity are beneath their own.
- It’s the ebb and flow of finances that are often affected by the hate of others, as opposed to your work ethic.
- It’s the “friends” who want to take you out only to sexually assault you later on because you thought you could be safe around them.
- It’s being told, “hey, you fucking f*ggot, I’m gonna fucking kill you,” and having your house shot at because of your identity and how you look, and having to relocate.
- It’s people you know and those that you do not, who expect, just because you went through a major life transition, that you are open to being their therapist.
- It’s the people sexualizing you while you speak out on your community’s human and civil rights, thinking you need and/or want their validation as if their opinions of you matter when they do not.
- It’s watching all of your “friends” turn against you because they never really were true friends to begin with, and having to sit with what that means and how that feels.
- It’s having your overtly religious family members speak to you about anti-trans authors and fast food chains because they want you to know that they’re still gonna support them.
- It’s being fired for having pronouns in your email signature. Literally so stupid.
- It’s having people call themself your “friend” when they first meet you and think you didn’t catch their bad intentions.
- It’s educating people about things they can be proactive about and learn more about.
- It’s the expected emotional labor of others concerning the relationships they have with gender and sexuality.
- It’s the unwelcome and unprovoked commentary from men on their sexual fantasies and entertainment proclivities.
- It’s the constant fetishization as if your identity is some novelty.
- It’s people conflating drag queens with your identity.
- It’s constantly being underestimated because people have very stigmatized views of your identity and community as a whole.
- It’s people asking to hear your thoughts rather than compensate you for your expertise.
- It’s the unprovoked questions about your body that overstep the most common sense social etiquette boundaries.
- It’s the small business clients that, upon learning of your transition, suddenly have a “change in budget” and no longer need your business services.
- It’s the small business clients that underpay you and short you money during a global pandemic, which leads you into sex work.
- It’s the having to listen to the most vile things people say to you because you had to go into sex work and need to make money.
- It’s losing clients only to go into online sex work and have the payment processors cut from online platforms that you needed to use to make money, and never receive your payouts from.
- It’s receiving death threats and being doxxed for speaking out for sex workers’ rights.
- It’s getting mean comments and microaggressions from people when your partner steps away for a moment because they’re too scared to act that way in front of them.
- It’s seeing through others’ inauthentic behavior because you’ve fully centered yourself.
- It’s being aware of the humanity and inhumanity of others, while often, unless they are also transgender, they do not comprehend enough to be kind to.
- It’s the near-constant threat for years of being on the verge of being unhoused due to ongoing employment discrimination based on your identity.
- It’s the exclusion from all family functions.
- It’s the ex-girlfriend who told you, “Thanks for getting me back into cis men”. Can’t make that one up.
- It’s the ex-girlfriends (yes, two) who proclaim illness when they learn you are seeing a man.
- It’s the ex-girlfriend who asserts, “Why don’t you have sympathy for people who just aren’t comfortable with trans people?” Can’t make that one up either, unfortunately.
- It’s the former coworkers stalking your LinkedIn and trash-talking about your identity to others, thinking it won’t get back to you.
- It’s the disclosing you are going to transition to one “friend” only to be in the room with another “friend” when they get a call from the first one, and it’s put on speaker phone in front of you, only to hear them make fun of you for disclosing that you are going to begin your transition.
- It’s being told people “are talking about you” in the family, while no one actually talks to you to show that they actually care.
- It’s your government waging a full-out assault on your community and seeing almost everyone you know say and do not a single thing about it.
- It’s the brother who posts your childhood pre-transition photos without your consent, knowing that it will negatively impact you and simply not caring.
- It’s the lack of support for your relationship and witnessing support of all hetero based relationships within both your family and your partner’s family.
- It’s the constant having to be the bigger person when people are ignorant, hateful, and violent.
- It’s people attempting to sabotage anything you have going for yourself simply because they don’t want to see a transgender person thrive in life.
- It’s the constant comparison by other trans men of everything — stop fucking doing this. It’s not being friendly, it’s actually really creepy.
- It’s the comparison of your physical characteristics by your sibling, stating they wish they had something you do, not acknowledging your very obvious journey to your gender identity.
- It’s seeing your government take down your community’s flag but attempt to continue to raise a Confederate flag — disgusting.
- It’s seeing people who call themselves celebrities shoot beer cans with a trans woman on them, and a large portion of the country cheer on that type of violent, hateful, anti-trans rhetoric.
- It’s seeing how many government officials are bought by AIPAC and both create and vote for bills in favor of further isolating those who hold your identity in society out of public spaces.
- It’s stopping to read the news every day about another trans person being killed and knowing that most cisgender people will scroll right past the headlines, not caring due to their apathy for your community’s suffering.
- It’s having people say they will support your books based on your life, but then not follow through.
- It’s walking down the street and always feeling like your head needs to be on a swivel for the threat of danger.
- It’s the being told by people in training to become therapists that they are “not qualified enough to help you” and thinking that’s how you speak to anyone, let alone someone who is gay, trans, and has CPTSD.
And the sad thing is, I could keep going, but most of you couldn’t handle what I’ve lived. That is just a fraction of some of the instances that have come to mind about my lived trans experience, and clearly, I’ve lived through trauma and then some. All that said, transitioning is still the best thing I have done for myself because I am still alive, and now I am actually happy with myself.
I wish happiness for all the people who have treated me poorly. I know that if they loved themselves enough as I do, they wouldn’t be so hateful. Happy people aren’t hating, so please, everyone, work on your own happiness; it will take you far as it has me. But just because I’m a happy trans man doesn’t mean I won’t call people out on their transphobic bullshit.
All in all you see it’s not negative to be transgender, it’s negative on how we transgender people are often treated by those who are cisgender who call themselves an “ally”, “father”, “mother”, “aunts”, “uncles”, “cousins”, “friends”, “lovers”, “social workers”, “doctors”, “department managers”, “hr managers”, “CEOs”, “landlords”, “government officials”, “law enforcement”, “military” and “good people”.
The thing is, my life when curated to exclude all of the negative people, places, and things that are transphobic is pretty fucking stellar. I am not as social as I used to be, and clearly that is for good reason.
Think about it, if you endured even a fraction of that, you’d want your peace as well. I earned it.
My life is at peace when transphobic and hateful people are not a part of that. Perhaps I am just a man before my time because I want peace, and because I know that’s currently hard to come by, not because I am transgender but rather because many people are transphobic.
Deciding to transition saved my life, and I’m gonna continue to speak on it.
You can help trans people by simply being kind to us.
It’s actually not hard at all; if that doesn’t come naturally to you, make the effort to be a good human being.
Trust me, it’s not as hard to be nice to someone as it is to walk in my shoes. Often, while I walk in these shoes, I still do so with a smile, which isn’t always easy, but I’ve learned, through my transition, to find the silver linings in life.
My silver lining is that I get to actually live a life now that I have healed myself through transitioning.
What is your silver lining?
Start there and be well.
ABOUT DYLAN THOMAS COTTER:
Rebel with a cause, driven by authenticity, self-expression, and liberation for all.
Dylan Thomas Cotter is a strategist, public relations leader, and brand communications executive with more than fifteen years of experience at the intersection of entertainment, media, and technology.
Cotter is known for securing numerous Tier 1 (top-tier) and Tier 2 media placements across key markets including but not limited to GQ, Rolling Stone, Out Magazine, The Advocate, Pride, Inked Magazine, Real Simple, VICE, KTLA, Reader’s Digest, Mashable, Yahoo! News, Yahoo! Life UK, Newsweek, Men’s Health, Parade Magazine, Betches, U.S. News & World Report, Women’s Health Magazine, NursingColleges.com, Women.com, South China Morning Post, Truthout, MIC, The Manual, Curl Magazine, International Business Times UK, TechRound, GB News, The Irish Star US, The Mirror, MSN and AOL.
Cotter is an advisor to founders, artists, and executives on brand positioning, reputation, corporate social responsibility, and strategic communications. As an openly gay transgender professional, Dylan Thomas Cotter is committed to fostering inclusive, respectful, and affirming work environments.
His latest book, THINK LIKE A TRANSGENDER THOUGHT LEADER, is out now, and his memoir, TRANSGENDER & TRIGGERING THE LIFE OF DYLAN THOMAS COTTER, is available now at Barnes & Noble, Harvard Book Store, Book Soup, and Skylight Books, amongst other fine retailers, and is distributed worldwide through IngramSpark.